Confessions of a melancholic
Fifteen years of denial. At least.
Not sure how it took hold. OK. The how is perhaps not such a mystery. The why is a bit more tricky. OK. That too isn't a total mystery. The struggle for sure hasn't been a mystery. That has been pretty real. The number of times going on was near to impossible are innumerable. Getting out of bed difficult. Doing the normal everyday things painful. It's probably why I enjoyed school. Being busy and forced to do stuff even when you don't feel like. It helps also having friends. Although why anyone would keep up with you through the blues escapes me. Now there's a mystery. It was managable for a long while. I was able to exist. Go through the motions. But the last couple of years have been especially difficult. [Mid-]life crisis. The bouts more frequent and intense. Overwhelming at times. It's just the losing of the shackles that's proved to be tricky. Meds have been proposed as a solution. Never liked meds, and I've had these before. Had some of the best moments while on them for sure, but they can be scary. Perhaps when I totally can't function. Denial? That's when one doesn't acknowledge something. And telling is a complete no no. You'll make guys look at you weird or get overly concerned. I realised that again this week. Calls and very very long smss. That's the last time I'll speak what I feel with the folks at home. They have enough to worry about. Anyway. It is comforting to know these experiences aren't uncommon. Still. Depression isn't a good thing.
Not sure how it took hold. OK. The how is perhaps not such a mystery. The why is a bit more tricky. OK. That too isn't a total mystery. The struggle for sure hasn't been a mystery. That has been pretty real. The number of times going on was near to impossible are innumerable. Getting out of bed difficult. Doing the normal everyday things painful. It's probably why I enjoyed school. Being busy and forced to do stuff even when you don't feel like. It helps also having friends. Although why anyone would keep up with you through the blues escapes me. Now there's a mystery. It was managable for a long while. I was able to exist. Go through the motions. But the last couple of years have been especially difficult. [Mid-]life crisis. The bouts more frequent and intense. Overwhelming at times. It's just the losing of the shackles that's proved to be tricky. Meds have been proposed as a solution. Never liked meds, and I've had these before. Had some of the best moments while on them for sure, but they can be scary. Perhaps when I totally can't function. Denial? That's when one doesn't acknowledge something. And telling is a complete no no. You'll make guys look at you weird or get overly concerned. I realised that again this week. Calls and very very long smss. That's the last time I'll speak what I feel with the folks at home. They have enough to worry about. Anyway. It is comforting to know these experiences aren't uncommon. Still. Depression isn't a good thing.
posted by Samborera at
14:14
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