In the end

There will be learning. Whether we'll still be here, and in what state, is another question.

The year of living dangerously

I loved the book when I was younger. About 10. I wasn't such a geek that I fancied reading at that age. I played football like all the other kids. When did I turn into one then. Hmmm.

Anyway. The novel used to be lying in a wardrobe/cupboard/floor [can't really remember. That's almost 20 years ago] somewhere. It was beaten up and torn. Didn't have a host of pages, or a cover. The title appeared on the side. It's how I knew what book it was. Even then, I wasn't much of a reader and probably never took in more than 10 pages in total. But I had such a drawing to that book. It hit me today why. It seems I was intrigued even then by the concept of living. And living dangerously. Fully. It's a beautiful concept. That's what I had in mind when I picked up the book.

I want to live dangerously this year, despite the one side-effect I've always feared.

Rejection

So why am I feeling like the bad guy. She did say we can only be friends. So why does she ask why I didn't text on Thursday. I've said all sorts of subtle and not-so-subtle things. Flirting I think it's called. No real responses. Fair enough. So I shut down that line of thought. It is either A or B after all. That's what all-or-nothing thiking says. Or is it jumping to conclusions. There is no need to get all excited, or get one's briefs in a knot if someone isn't going to reciprocate. So I go into mundane mode. It's what she wanted, right. So how did I turn into the bad guy.

If I had a penny for every such outcome, well, I'd have many pennies.

Strange

How have I survived programming, even with apparent low discomfort tolerance.

Day 2

Deja vu. Rhymes. Meant to post this yesterday actually. It's day 3 today. And no this won't turn into a countdown either. Or count up.

One thing I've learnt over the course of my previous numerous proclamations is that change doesn't often come overnight. Rarely actually. Although I've romanticized big bang type turn arounds. That all-or-nothing thinking. Black or white. Light or dark. Good or bad. So I preferred staying in my shell to blowing up. But that's not what this is about. This is about doing whatever, and not beating up yourself for it. Living, one day at a time. Sure, texting her probably wasn't the best idea, but so what. All she wants is someone to buy drinks. I've not wanted to be that guy before and as soon as she asked "nikuje u buy" I didn't want to be that guy again. But it's not a big deal.

I should have had a theme. Oh yeah. I did. Day 2 was almost identical to day 1.

The first day

The first day of the rest of my life seemed rather long for a title. Hectic. But what's new. I feel I do know how headless chicken feel. [I didn't see that one coming. And I was going to use feel again. Oh boy] It is bearable though when you aren't too bothered about the consequences of not doing this or the other, or if they do fire you. I put in my 12 hours so whatever man.

Had a 30 min phone converstaion with my bro. That was a first for sure. More don't-quit-your-job counselling. I've had quite a bit of that. I can't remember having so many other people aware of my personal feelings. Apart from this place that is. But I'm still not convinced about this concept of going from job to higher-paying job just because there's no choice as to the nature of things. And that's what people do. I'm no longer interested in preserving the status quo, and surviving. I'm going to do my thing, keeping the creator in mind. Other stuff doesn't matter.

I was reminded how incredibly witty A is. Waa. Talk of a sexy mind.

The other A is still at work. I should call.

Day 2 beckons. [No this will not turn into a daily journal]

Give thanks for what you've got

Intro:
Woe, yeah yeah
I bet they don't even know
Don't even know
Woe, listen this

Chorus
Do you even know what it is like to have no food to eat?
Yet you say that your life is so hard
Do you even know what it is like to have no where to sleep?
You must give thanks for what ever you've got

Verse 1
You've got a house you've got a car
You've got, money in the bank yes
Your tank is never on empty
But you never seem to give thanks no
I see fatherless children with hungry faces
Dying for something to eat
But you never yet lift a finger to help
Tell me big man how you do it?

Verse 2
You get up every day and a curse
It's like you don't even know what life's really worth
You never thank the father first
And every little thing weh happen you a expect the worst
You believe in only vanity
You don't even show no love to your own family
Tell me what kind of life are you living
You only believe in taking and not giving

Bridge
Give thanks for your blessings today
Cause tomorrow they could be taken away
Give thanks for your blessings today
Cause tomorrow they could be taken away
Give thanks for your blessings today
Cause tomorrow they could be taken away
Give thanks for your blessings today
Cause tomorrow they could be taken away

Repeat Chorus

- Daville

Living by default

Isn't something I'm fancying too much righ now. Living simply because you are alive. By default. On auto-pilot. Being a so called survival machine. Getting up, going to work [almost didn't one day this week. Things must be really thick], eating, sleeping, buying stuff. It's not the first time I've contemplated the meaning of it all. All my life I wanted understanding. Asked for it. Perhaps it's why I did well in school exams. It certainly wasn't out of hard work. A side effect of this seems to be the fretting over stuff you don't get, and not being able to just let go of it. [how did this become the theme of this place]

So I meant to post earlier in the week. [And I've been at this one for too long now] When I came to some sort of ultimatum. I want to know now. By the end of the week latest. What's the point? And if there is no point, what's the point. What do you want from me. There are a couple of hours yet to the week end but my track record isn't very good. That come monday, from monday, I'll do my thing. Hopefully I'll have had an epiphany by then on what exactly this thing is [or did I have one on Wednesday. It was partly why I almost didn't go to work on Thursday], and if I won't have, I'll do my thing anyway. Less fearing [More living].