What was it

Key word I suppose being was. I'd never gotten so torn up about a woman. To the point of telling people about it, albeit in a roundabout manner and without details. Still. Most of the time, I would just move right along.

But this particular one somehow got to me. Perhaps it was a factor of my general state of mind at the time. DSM-IV would bear me out. Why did she make my heart bleed though. Why did this mountain of guilt come down on me. She wanted something I wasn't willing to give. I'd made it clear from Day 1. They don't call me Disclaimer Sam for nothing. Well, actually, they don't call me Disclaimer Sam. But anyway. I'd been down that road before. Now, again, I was the bad guy. I tried to explain everything as best I could. Although some things are difficult to explain. Perhaps it's her reaction that escalated things. I've been the bad guy before, but this was rather extreme.

I really don't know how to deal with these situations. And good intentions do lead to hell. A lot of times. My only solution so far has been to withdraw. I can't hurt anyone if I keep to myself can I. It's probably not optimal but I'll choose occam's razor for now, and work with it until I get something better.

Give

Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.

Personal development

Is hard.

And perhaps the hardest part is that it's not a quick fix, one morning you wake up and everything is sorted kind of thing. It takes a while. I used to wonder how come we weren't born knowing all that we end up knowing. Things would be so much easier. If I were to do it all over again, I'd probably do quite a few things different. But the new outcomes aren't certain, so I suppose it's one of those universal paradoxes. Things won't necessarily work out better if you did things differently. So I accept the current reality, all my past mistakes included. It's probably how I've learnt all that I have.

I figured 3 months would be enough. 6 at most. To figure everything out. Well. It isn't. Learning is a perennial thing. Every day you learn, and grow. Actually, I did recognise that I may not complete the task, so I postulated a second goal. To find a way to move on whether I found the answers I sought or not. In the end I realised that nobody has all the answers. No one can understand it all. Again, something I suspected but didn't quite want to accept. It's one of the good things about getting older. You get a certain mental maturity. You can accept things without it being so tragic. You gain wisdom. It's not a bad trade-off. Not that you have a choice about losing the vigour of youth.

So you take what you've learnt and move on. Kidogo kidogo.