No free lunch

Everything has a cost.

Incommunicado

She doesn't like to text + I don't like to call = We don't talk

Primordial soup

The beginning is always the hardest
So you can imagine the life
Of one who is constantly beginning
Things his mind conjures up

A new year, a new beginning
The birth of a new thing
An attitude, a goal
A decision, a process of healing

Away with the dead skin
With that which is not good
Away with that which you struggle
With that which you do not want

Healing is not an event
Unless it is a miracle
Even then it is not meant
To destroy or be an obstacle

Healing is a process
A series of mountains
Up and down, up and down
Round and round, down then out

The most energy is needed
When at the bottom you are
Laying in the harsh grassland
Gazing at the steep incline ahead

The thought of forest and snow
Kills the spirit and makes the heart go
It brings pitch black darkness
And his relatives, despair and sadness

This is the error of our ways
The ways that traverse the mind
For the force of darkness and despair
Requires a force of opposite the opposite kind

Here is the thing though
The force of light and joy
Is not of equal strength to it's complement
It is so much greater

A smile at the end of the day
Banishes all the negativity and dismay
A kind word at the end of the week
Negates all of the put-downs

A thank you said once
Makes you forget prior thanklessness
It makes you feel appreciated
Willing to continue with the goodness

'Tis been almost a year
Almost ten and two months
Almost fifty two weeks
Three hundred and sixty five days

Since that fateful day
When he was on the brink
When the lights almost went out
When a monster was unleashed

A year gone by
Nothing like an American pie
More like some green bitter herb
That you had no choice but to grab

With one enemy vanquished
Comes another, of the same kind
No, it is not finished
Just one more, to put you in a bind

The joy the pen brings
Pouring cold water on raging flames
The thoughts to which a smiley clings
Let loose on the white pages

Goodness is like the wind
You cannot possess it
Claim it for yourself
Blow anytime, any way you please

Aah, the truth shall release you
Put you on probation for a while
Can you use it for you
Or will you go back to jail

If you fail, try again and again
And still endeavour to overcome
For when you despair, lose hope
Then you will surely fail

Don't measure your abilities
By the number of times you try
You will always be below average
For little of worth takes one attempt

What to do when you fail
Consistently and completely fail
Do you give up, give in
Give out, give down

None of these is suitable
Light a small candle of hope
Leave room for success
Give it a chance

Success may never come
Or it may tomorrow
Which would you rather believe
Because belief is all you have

You don't know if, when, how or why
Neither will you ever, so don't bother
Let not the unknown move you
Live now, let the future alone

Look for something to do
Something that will make you sweat
Provide you with satisfaction
Without which you would not live

It will take time to find
And may be completely unexpected
But when you find it, and you will
Don't give it up, for anyone or anything

Hold it close to your heart
Do it with every fibre of your body
So as to derive from it
All the joy that it brings

Life is diversity
This is a get out of jail card
Appreciating it sets you free
Lightens the burden of your heart

One step at a time

And the first step is don't worry.

No more

No more questions where people are concerned, because the answer is human beings are flawed.

I am determined to be wise

But this was beyond me.

Whatever wisdom may be, it is far off and most profound - who can discover it.

Two are better than one

Time to stop being a lone ranger.

Still

I turned on the telly one Saturday morning to find a whole host of preachers doing their thing. Thought that kind of programming was the preserve of Sundays. Another thing that surprised me was that some guys still had folks rolling over on the floor, being released from some affliction or other.

I thought that particular fad had gone away. There was a time it was new and the latest vogue. And people were literally falling over themselves to be in the scene. But it soon became circus-like and that was that. Or so I thought. It seems there's still an appetite for that kind of thing. It would be perfectly alright I suppose if it wasn't so sensationalist. Unfortunate also that it's mostly women who do the rolling around. Quite hard to watch.

Miss Independent

Yeah yeah, yeah yeah
Yeah yeah, yeah yeah
Yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah

Ooh it's somethin' about
Just somethin about the way she move
I can't figure it out
There's somethin about her

Said ooh it's somethin about
Kinda woman that want you but don't need you
Hey I can't figure it out
There's something about her

Cause she walk like a boss
Talk like a boss
Manicured nails to set the pedicure off
She's fly effortlessly

And she move like a boss
Do what a boss do
She got me thinkin about getting involved
That's the kinda girl I need oh

She got her own thing
That's why i love her
Miss independent
Won't you come and spend a little time

She got her own thing
That's why i love her
Miss independent
Ooh the way we shine
Miss independent yeah

Yeah yeah, yeah yeah
Yeah yeah, yeah yeah
Yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah, oh

Ooh there's somethin about
Kinda woman that can do for herself
I look at her and it makes me proud
There's somethin about her

There's somethin oh so sexy about
Kinda woman that don't even need my help
She said she got it she got it no doubt
There's something about her

Cause she work like a boss play like a boss
Car and a crib she bout to pay em both off
And her bills are paid on time

She made for a boss, only a boss
Anything less she tellin them to get lost
That's the girl that's on my mind

She got her own thing
That's why i love her
Miss independent
Won't you come and spend a little time

She got her own thing
That's why i love her
Miss independent
Ooh the way we shine
Miss independent yeah

Mmm her favorite thing to say
Don't worry I got it
Mmm and everything she got
Best believe she bought it

Mmm she gon' steal my heart
Ain't no doubt about it
Girl you're everything i need
Said you're everything i need

Yeah yeah
Yeah yeah, yeah yeah
Yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah, oh

She got her own thing
That's why I love her
Miss independent
Won't you come and spend a little time

She got her own thing
That's why i love her
Miss independent
Ooh the way we shine
Miss independent yeah

Miss independent
That's why i love her

- Ne-Yo

Nothing new under the sun

I was watching this group of guys on the telly. All seemed quite intelligent and stuff. Gurus. Then it hit me that all the Zen stuff they were talking about wasn't new at all. I suppose Zen by definition means it's of old.

It didn't take away from the truthful or profound nature of their comments. It's just that in our time, some of these things aren't as commonly known or held. That's why they seemed uber-intelligent and enlightened. Whereas this knowledge is available to everyone. Freely available. No need to buy anyone's self-help, 7-step book or anything. If you were to start from an empty slate, figuring out stuff, you'd come to the same truths that the ancients did. Which is a testament to their validity and an indicator that we should consider them more often and seriously. All our education and knowledge doesn't make us brighter necessarily than those who came before us.

It's unfortunate that we wonder and search for the big answers while they are with us all along. All we have to do is look. Listen. Read. Believe. Perhaps it's part of the learning process. Moving from seeing to perceiving. Going from hearing to understanding.

Badness Out of Style

Badness ouf of style
242 can you hear me
This time is getting too crazy
People I need you to help me
Young men are dying, dying, dying too swiftly

Badness out of style
Youths them are getting too vile
Badness out of style
Need to try a humble profile now
Badness out of style
Too much of the youth they cry
Badness out of style
How much more will have to die

The murder rate is outrageous
Right now it's too high
Murder after murder
How much more will have to die
We can't accept this condition
Some kill like it's an addiction
Why can't we all just live as one

Badness out of style
Youths them are getting too vile
Badness out of style
Need to try a humble profile now
Badness out of style
Too much of the youth they cry
Badness out of style
How much more will have to die

In a high school so many fighting
Teachers can't teach because they are fighting
Parent's we need to take control of our children
Prostitution rate is rising
For material things they compromising
Believe only Jesus can save your soul

Badness out of style
Youths them are getting too vile
Badness out of style
Need to try a humble profile now
Badness out of style
Too much of the youth they cry
Badness out of style
How much more will have to die

There's too much murder
T-t-too much murder
T-t-tooo much murder
T-t-too much
We need to seek our creator
Only him could ever through this disaster
Only him, only him

Badness out of style
Youths them are getting too vile
Badness out of style
Need to try a humble profile now
Badness out of style
Too much of the youth they cry
Badness out of style
How much more will have to die

- Peter Runks

Being weird

I've been called weird a number of times recently. I suppose it's only now getting out, what's been true for a while. It was pretty much hidden for a long time, but it's been harder and harder to keep under wraps as time has gone by.

And because I've always known, I've tried to keep to myself as much as possible. Keep my issues to myself. No need to have other people affected in any way by my imperfections. In fact, I tried to say exactly that once or twice. Like when Hunt told Yang that he was broken. The response was remarkably similar actually. Don't worry about me. I can handle it. I like what I like. Deep down I knew that she couldn't. She might have thought she could, but I really was broken. Beyond repair.

Some have been a bit concerned about the weirdness. Concerned from a [mental] health standpoint. I've never really shared this concern. Apart from the time I came back home from hospital after spending a couple of days having all manner of tests done, all turning out normal. When it hit me, although no doctor said it specifically, that it was all in my head. Many times I've thought that I could be "normal". Now. Today. I could do it. But it never quite appealed to me. Perhaps it's that odd thing that happens when you're in a situation for a long time. No matter how bad it seems to others, you don't particularly mind it. Perhaps it's the knowledge that I can do it, and hence pursuing a different path is more fulfilling. Perhaps it's this feeling I've always had that there is more, ought to be more.

It's one thing though to be weird and a hermit. It's quite another to live in a social world. You apparently can't not leave the house for months at a time. You can't not be on Facebook, or not IM. You can't go to the movies alone. You can't go out alone and dance alone. You can't not go to a bar and not drink. You can't not go home with her. You can't not have a galfriend. You can't do any of that.

You don't know

You don't know why stuff happens. You don't know what stuff will happen.

That's why you needn't worry. You needn't fret.

Good life

I always was afraid of it. Good stuff happening to me. Part of it was an intense aversion for the limelight. It always made my heart race and my palms sweat when I was about to be called up or out for some apparently good reason or another. Never quite got used to it or got the hang of it. Never liked the feeling.

It's taken a long time to realise that good isn't always bad. Happy isn't always bad.

A city on a hill

Cannot be hidden.

Change

I often heard that women have a propensity to try to change men. Or something like that. I never believed that kind of thing anyway. It doesn't make much sense.

Why would you want to change a guy. Besides it having an apparently poor success rate and causing all sorts of turmoil, why would you want to do that. The whole idea, I thought, of liking someone, is to like them. If you don't really like them, doesn't it make sense to simply move along to the next guy. This business of liking the potential in a guy... Sure. It kind of makes sense. But what if the guy has no problem with who he is, flaws and all. Sure, guys are mostly clueless and messy and disorganised and stuff, but they're also mostly OK with that.

Which is a most essential thing. Being yourself. Being comfortable in your skin. It's not a good feeling being someone else. The least someone can do is like you for who you are. First. They can want better for you and all that, but they must be willing to accept the prospect that the current you will endure for a while. Go easy on the attempts to change you.

Seek

And you will find.

Closure

I never liked the use of the term. Perhaps because I didn't quite understand it. That some event or process was a necessary condition for forward movement.

But when you find yourself in a state of flux, feelings and decisions changing from day to day or hour to hour, such an event can be surprisingly effective. You only need to meet someone, and hear them talk, then you remember why it is that it can't work. And she remembers also. There's a turning point for everyone, and everything is good with the world.

Win-win

I probably first came across the term in the 7 habits class. It wasn't a new theory at all, or remarkably profound. It's something I espoused from a long time ago.

The notion that someone else's gain doesn't have to be your detriment. For you to fight or envy or hate. That there is a possibility in there somewhere for you to gain also. Where you have more than one adult there will always be conflict. People have different ideas, beliefs and personalities. They'll never right agree off the bat. Not such a disaster. Not yet anyway. One option is to do nothing, but this is rarely a real option. There can be a guy who has been given authority to decide. Someone who in the face of differing points of view has the last word. His decision is final. Or you can fight. Duke it out somehow. The winner, well, wins. Or you can compromise. One party or all. Something does have to give.

Everyone prefers their point of view to prevail. Unadulterated. We all think we are right after all. Otherwise we wouldn't be thinking the thoughts we were thinking. Perfectly sensible. Willingness to hear out others though is present with varying degrees. Openness to different and possibly contradictory suggestions not as common. Ability to change one's mind and adopt a different path pointed out by someone. Belief that such a philosophy isn't somehow undesirable. Knowledge that this indeed exposes strength. Security in oneself.

Too often though we look to gain at the expense of others, rather than in tandem with them. As if mutual gain is related necessarily to mutually exclusive. Them or us. It always made me wonder, this. Time and again I looked around and told myself it doesn't have to be like this. Surely not. I refused to accept that it does, but saw it more and more.

Like many things, I don't let it get to me so much these days. Try not to anyway. I'll just do my thing the best way I think how. The rest. Nothing much I can do about the rest.

Peter syndrome

I've been so guilty of it. "Even if all fall away...". I must have said it a thousand times. Times when I've thought how I was better than other people. Countless. But reality is quite different. Makes you feel rather foolish actually.

Learn

One of the more useful things you can learn, is to learn. I used to think I had it down, seeing as I'm big on always doing the right thing. But I've realised how far from the mark I've been. I learn plenty of things, but I also forget plenty. I suppose it's human nature. Our minds aren't hard disks after all.

Still, it's been quite interesting to realise the power of learning. Brought on by some profound revelations that begged not to be forgotten. When you realise something, and figure out what you could have done [better], during or immediately after the realisation, take a moment to think and reflect about it. To absorb it. To let some neural pathways form. So that when you encounter that situation again, you'll remember. And do like you'd thought you should have last time. And like that, get better.

To each his own

I ran into a problem long long ago when I realised that different people interpreted the good book differently. Ignorance truly is bliss. Should have stayed a tot. I remember the confusion I felt as I was taking to this person in class and their view of things seemed to be quite different from mine. So I started asking around. Why is this. And what happens if that. But no satisfying answers were forthcoming. Perhaps it's the real reason teens seem to stop with the religious stuff. Because there are no satisfying answers. And the real answers are yet too difficult to understand.

Yet, I used to think, if two people understand something differently, and these two views happen to be mutually exclusive, which is right. Who decides which is right. Sure, both will claim and very well explain why they're right, but who's the referee. I often wonder how people stand on pulpits and prescribe things. I'm too afraid of that kind of thing. There are too many questions I don't know the answer to, and too many things that are my opinion and perhaps not "the" thing. Asking questions always got me in trouble. But I always assumed other people had the answers. I didn't, and it bothered me terribly. They seemed easy and confident so they must have had the answers. That was always my approach. I got surprised more often than not when I realised they were in many ways like me. Without answers.

It doesn't bother me so much anymore. The acceptance that there really is no know-it-all out there makes things much easier.

Fear and faith

My life has always been defined by fear. I do things because of fear. I don't do things because of fear. It's just how it is. Haven't known anything else. How it came to be. Not really important.

I've come to learn that fear and faith are mutually exclusive. You have one, you don't have the other. I've had plenty of experience with fear. Not so much with faith. Obviously not anyway. But an old dog can learn new things. It helps when you realise you aren't in charge. That you may even have better outcomes if you let things go. God knows. God has answers.

The complexity of simplicity

It's amazing how simple things can be enormously difficult to get your head around. How profound they can be. All you have to do is believe.

Hoochies need love too

I really liked the soundtrack. Really liked the song. Didn't really know what a "hoochie" was but I liked the idea.

The idea that everyone needs to be looked at the same. Treated the same. Whether they are like you, or the more difficult case. When they are not exactly like you. This loving your neighbour business isn't easy after all. We tend to look at everything and everyone with a certain bias. Initially at least. Draw immediate conclusions based on the limited information of their looks, dress, circumstance, etc. Quite natural actually.

But treating people equally means going beyond this bias. It means approaching everyone with the same neutral starting point, and resisting intuitive and often involuntary judgements. Defaulting to treating everyone as you would the person you most respect, admire, love. No wonder we're told to treating them like we would ourselves. Although for those who struggle with self-deprecation, a more neutral, external party may be better to use as a reference point. Do you admire Mandela. Give everyone the time you would if the man himself was speaking to you. Would you afford certain courtesies to royalty or prominent, famous, rich people. Afford them to everyone. After all, things and circumstances are fleeting. They don't make people better or worse. And most of the time people don't choose the cards they're dealt.

Maybe I liked the idea of giving hoochies love because I'd just gotten into my teens, and all I knew was that a hoochie was female. And at that age, that's all that mattered. It didn't take away from the idea though. Then or now.

Mercy, not sacrifice

It's a pretty common theme. Perhaps an indication of it's relevance and pervasive nature. Like a foundation on which other things are built.

Another interesting thing is that it's almost unintuitive. I like rules, and structure. I prefer to know what I'm required to do in situation A. My motivation though is normally so that I can be free from blame. It says here in the rules. If A then B. I did B, so get off my back. Life, though, always seems to have it's own ideas, and things are rarely as black and white. Greys are abundant, so operating like an automaton can be quite difficult.

It's also an indictment of dogma. And those who use certain absolutes to put people down. Another thing I like is to question things. Sometimes this liking is taken too far and I question too much for too long, but what's a guy to do. I prefer to do things that I understand, rather than because that's what people do. I remember the last time I went to church, wondering at the routine. And why this always came after that. Every week. Why do we do this other thing even. I appreciate the usefulness of routine, but couldn't resist the feeling of resentment towards it. Perhaps it was just my state of mind at the time. I'd had my fill of the routine of work, and life in general. I wanted something more meaningful than routine. Or something to make the routine meaningful.

The things I have found to fulfill this meaningfulness have tended to be things away from myself. This wasn't a completely new revelation for me. Things I saw growing up convinced me long long ago that there was something worthwhile about the pursuit of altruism. What time and age and experience have provided is a better understanding, and further empirical evidence. Movement from knowledge to understanding. And nothing beats understanding. Nothing.

Ultimately, there is something about the spirit of the law. There is something about living with empathy that underlines and indeed trumps everything else.