Just do it

I went to see my cardiologist today. I'd thought of asking him how long I had. Well, truth be told, I didn't really mean it, but I had been feeling a bit tired of late. As it is, I'm ok. Apparently one of the side effects or symptoms of depression is fatigue.

I've always had difficulties grappling with mortality and the meaning of life. These things have become more clear the older I've got, but I still get bogged down whenever I attempt to think about them. What I need to do is just get on with it. Say little, think even less.

Just saying no

I've always had a hard time with this, and I'm not addicted to any mind altering substances. I just find it hard to deny anyone's requests of me. This goes back as far as I can remember and probably stems from my desire to do the right thing or keep everyone happy. Apparently though, this is a form on neurosis. Nobody pointed this out to me as I was growing up and enforcing this habit. In a warped effort at being selfless. The real world has it's own ideas though and saying yes to everything isn't sustainable.

Only God can judge me

Nobody else.

Don't worry. Be happy

Tuuu tu tu turu tururururururuuuu, don't worry, tururururururuu, be happy, tururu ruu. Don't worry. Be happy.

The world

I live in my world. The real world is a movie. A movie I've watched all my life. Not getting involved. Observing. Doing only as anticipated. Not owning my actions. Just going along. Going with the current. Downstream.

Afraid. Confused. Unsure. What does the real world expect of me. What if I fall short of these expectations. What if this in in conflict with my world. The world that exists in my head. In my ideas and expectations. In my heart.

Sometimes I take refuge in my world. Lie in bed the whole day and go away to my utopia. But always, the real world awaits. With real people and real events. Real things. Real things that seem so unreal. Unpalpable.

What to do. Let go. Live. Live my world in the real world. Experience the fear, pain, failure and rejection that has kept me away for so long.