In a not-so-good place

This year has been one long, hazy, grey period, punctuated by a number of moments of great difficulty and darkness. I stopped blogging at some point as my posts were all just downbeat and depressing.

This feeling and situation is not at all new for me. I remember a time once when I actually experienced physical pain as a result of my mental state. [I'm not sure how I survived that time.] It's not the first time when I'm barely getting by days, in a mechanical, zombie-like manner. When getting out of bed is more diffcult than it should be, just wanting to stay in bed. By yourself, not wanting to talk to anyone. The simple things of living not being so simple.

Coming off the SSRI I'd been on for about 2, 2-year stints, separated by a year and a relapse of another struggle, is probably one factor. [I convinced myself that I couldn't afford seeing a shrink and constantly being on medication anymore. I remember now. I quit my job, so I definitely couldn't afford all that] My recent disillusionment with my job[s] and life in general, plus the death of a cousin and a grandmother haven't helped. I haven't handled any of these things very well.

The one recent happy-feeling moment that comes to mind was some day a week or so ago when I was writing some code. That says a lot about me - being more comfortable immersed in any other world other than the real one.

I can't really tell anyone about how I feel. Even in the past, I never could. It just makes things more awkward. I wouldn't want my mum or family in general to freak out more than they have in the past, and I never ever mentioned it to my shrink for fear of being put on more medication. So I try to get through the most difficult moments and hope I'll still be intact when the clouds go away and the darkness lifts.

Looking to the calm after the storm.